I was actually recently asked on the US social networking site twitter.com how I came to be involved/interested in this particular field, so I figured that I would update anyone who was curious with a post about that. It will try not to be too long or too drawn out, but here we go.
I am actually an author, but if you read my bio in the “About Your Author” section, I go into the type of person that I am, and the type of life that I have lived. I have experienced and done a ton of stuff in which most people don’t seem to think would be a big deal. I completely understand and respect that there are many, many people who don’t believe that these things exist. Unfortunately, I am often not granted that same respect in return, though I have accepted that a long time ago.
I have lead a very preternatural life, with many strange occurrences. I am not going to be going into them right now, because despite the fact that they happened, they are also not the cause for my obsession. The cause for my obsession actually spans quite a few years, but only came to a head moderately recently. It all started many, many years ago. I turned my back on God, and began experimenting with the occult. I played with the Ouija boards, and messed around with automatic writing, I was even present when someone attempted to conjure up some demons. I have also lived a life of what most Catholics would consider “moderate sin’. At the time, it didn’t feel as if I were doing anything in particular that was so bad or wrong, but over a lifetime, when you list all of the things I have done, it reads like an official “symptom list”, or a “how to” in order to ensure that negative entities will take notice of you.
I decided that I was going to write a book, approximately one year ago. The book was going to be about a topic that I was always curious about: demonic possession. If you pay attention to this site, yes, I do ‘investigate’, academically, certain situations regarding the paranormal, but the main focus is on negative entities or demonic spirits. Anyone with eyes can see this, and that is because throughout the life I have lead, I feel as if I have opened myself up to those situations.
I decided to ‘research’ the topic of demonic possession, “for the book”. So I started off by reading one book, which I devoured within a day, then I moved on to a second book, then a third, then my tenth, up to the point where access ran dry and I couldn’t find too many more books left to read. So I turned to the old texts such as the Goetia’s, and other spell casting instructionals. Then, I started investigating people, specifically, the people who combat these negative entities or demonic spirits. This is when I discovered the secret world of demonology. Unfortunately, most actual, real life demonologists are not very accessible, and as a matter of fact, it is almost impossible to just “enter the field”. You have to know someone, and they have to ‘escort’ you. This is apparently a very “exclusive” field, and so not taking rejection, I had to revert back to absorbing as much information as I could find. As of right now, I have only been subject to the academic side of the topic of demonology, and I have not witnessed any demonic experiences – besides my own
This became an obsession. It went from being “literary research”, to a constant, non-stop search for more information. The problem was that I delved too deeply, too quickly. I noticed that once I jumped into the topic, and began to peer into the darkness, absorbing everything I could in my quest for knowledge, but after a few months, I noticed that the darkness had begun peering in at me in return. It’s a double-edged sword.
I am 28 years old, at the time of this writing. I live with my wife and my mother in my house, as well as quite a few Beagle dogs. I live in a suburban area of Long Island, New York. And lately, I have been having some pretty intense experiences. Through my research, I have discovered that what I am experiencing is actually called “demonic infestation”, which is more or less the first stage of many involving inhuman spirits. According to Ed Warren, from his book The Demonologist: The Extraordinary Career of Ed and Lorraine Warren, written by Gerald Brittle, ISBN 0-595-24618-4, page 99 and 100, this is basically the definition of demonic infestation.
“There are three distinct stages to demoniacal activity,” Ed reveals, “infestation, oppression, and possession. In certain rare cases, death may occur as a fourth stage, or in lieu of possession. If no one is called in to stop the spirit, and the disturbance is allowed to run its course, then each stage can be anticipated to occur in 1-2-3 order.
“During the infestation stage, the strategy is to create fear – thus generating negative psychic energy – that starts breaking down the human will. The Hillman children experienced the primary, infestation stage of the phenomenon, as did Mr. Bernbaum.
The case with the rag doll, Annabelle, would also have to be categorized as infestation. Though these cases needn’t have happened, they do illustrate that demoniacal phenomena won’t tend to occur unless an individual grants some sort of ‘permission’ for a spirit to enter his life. Doors must be opened for the phenomenon to occur,” Ed states emphatically. In everyday terms, therefore, the demonic spirit does not have free reign over man. Instead, through the exercise of free will, men or women choose to open the door to the unknown, and then follow the darkened path. As Ed explains, “The demonic is a spirit that people don’t have to know. Specifically, it’s a matter of need versus want. A ghost needs to communicate its own problem, or it visits as an apparition to give information that a living person may need to know. The demonic spirit is different: it’s there because people, through their own free will, want or invite spirit contact when there’s no need for it. With respect to this, two laws apply: the Law of Attraction and the Law of Invitation.
“The premise of the Law of Attraction,” Ed now explains, “is like attracts like. Attention to the positive brings about the positive; attention to the negative brings about the negative. Therefore, people who do negative or patently unnatural things are essentially ‘doing the Devil’s work for him’ and actually attract negative spirits to their side. They’re on the same frequency, so to speak. The Annabelle case is a good example. Those girls had an innocent, though unnatural attachment to the doll; this lack of good judgment got noticed by the demonic. Once it was there, it went to work and oppressed them to consult a medium, then believe the bogus message. In short, the girls gave ‘Annabelle’ carte blanche to come into their lives. Had the case gone on, the young man, Lou, would have stood in real danger of being seriously hurt, if not killed; and the girls might likely have come under possession by the entity.”
“As an extension of the Law of Attraction,” Lorraine adds, “the demonic can also be brought in as a result of one’s actions. Characteristically, wanton transgressions of the good – evil deliberately perpetrated by man against man – is a triumph of evil, and acts as a signal to negative spirits. When an individual derives satisfaction from committing cruel and malicious acts, his body vibration alters, resulting in an aura that is darker than normal in color. As a shark follows a trail of blood, the change in aura then attracts a negative spirit to one’s side.”
Attraction can also occur when an individual displays a lapse by letting self-control falter. As Ed puts it,” If you can’t control yourself, then something else will. Hate, rage, despair, misery, drunkenness, and a suicidal sense of worthlessness will attract the demonic in a snap. Man gets no bouquets from the demonic: it’s only there to promote his destruction.” In short, the demonic tends to be attracted by actions or trends of thought that are inconsistent with healthy, positive well-being.
“By the Law of lnvitation,” Ed continues, “it’s ask-and-ye-shall-get. An individual can deliberately summon the demonic through a ritual or via some channel of sincere communication. This is an open, voluntary gesture involving ceremonial magic, incantations, seances, use of the Ouija board, or secret profane rituals where an individual voluntarily invites a demonic presence to himself. Conducting one of the rituals is often the first step down a road of no return. The conjuring may be a private affair carried on in one’s own home, or – as is the new fashion – to do it in public with one of the ever-growing cults of Satanists or covens of black witches who advocate this activity.”
This it seems is what I have been going through. I have actually been going through a ton of spiritual activity in my home, and in certain situations with certain people. Rarely though, this activity is not limited to my home as my wife has been affected in her car while driving by things she sees in the back seat, through the rearview mirror – and we all know how I feel about mirrors and what they are capable of. I will actually go and give you some examples here, really quick. As I have stated, I had turned my back on God for reasons that I won’t go into here, and experimented with Satanism and Wicca. I had conducted sessions in which I experimented with certain paranormal communication devices, such as the Ouija board, electronic voice phenomena, and/or automatic writing. I had been present while others conducted witchcraft rituals designed for contacting demonic entities. I also have been noticing that the deeper and deeper I got into this “darkness“, the less regard I had for human life. That ‘regard’ has slowly been returning to me. I never instigate any physical conflicts, but because of my line of work (as a New York City Process Server and a club/bar Bouncer), I have noticed that whenever I get the chance to hurt someone, I have been taking it. For example, if a fight breaks out or if someone attacks me, I actually look forward to it, because it gives me the opportunity to physically hurt someone. I am good at it, and for most of my life, causing another human being pain had been something that didn’t bother me, one way or the other. I am also physically stronger than I should be, but I do not think this is because of any spiritual influence, I think that my physical strength is fueled by the constant rage I have inside of me. I’d like to state that I am not ‘bragging’, or ‘blowing my own horn’ when I say that, it just happens to be the truth. I have gone through some experiences in the past year, and namely identified and familiarized this phenomena by reading books by Father Antonio Fortea, Father Gabriele Amorth, Father Malachi Martin, Ed Warren, Ryan Buell, John Zaffis, and the list goes on and on. In reading these works, I truly feel that they have forced me to open my eyes and realize/recognize that what I have actually been experiencing may in fact be a mild case of negative infestation and/or oppression. My moods have been very, very dark. I would think very frequently about hurting random strangers, for little – often times no – reason. I was quick tempered and vicious with my words. I was constantly hurting, upsetting, and offending the people closest to me. I became a nightmare to be around, and most importantly, I noticed that my inner moods literally radiated around me. I mentioned this as well in the ‘About Your Author‘ section, where my moods would literally infect those around me. My anger, and constant hatred, and spiritual venom would affect those around me. Someone once told me that the feeling she got around me was awful, because she felt that “my soul was sick.” I had noticed that I seemed to be responsible for making everything around me rot and decay, and it was physically, emotionally, and spiritually noticeable. I would affect peoples moods, health, and general quality of life, namely those closest to me. I basically brought people down and engaged them on a level where I made them miserable, angry, upset, and just generally drained and weak. I am currently ALWAYS angry and filled with a rage that I cannot explain or understand. I haven’t been able to explain this for years. My thoughts are sometimes random and very often extremely violent. In general, as a person, I am violent in nature. And to top it all off, all of my life, I have felt supernatural/preternatural presences around me – but they used to be subtle. Through my research, I believe that most of those presences were human presences. But only recently, I’d say within the past four or five years or so, have I detected – and known through my apparently growing sixth sense – that some new presences I have picked up are inhuman.
Lately (the past four/five years) in my home, I have been experiencing definitive phenomena, such as hearing loud bangs and knocks on the floors, the walls, and the ceilings. Loud noises, knocks and bangs for example, hitting the outside of the west side of my house only to shooting across and strike the east side of the house the second I arrive and investigate what caused the first set of noises. I remember recently, during the blizzard of January, 2011, in New York, I heard these bangs and strikes hitting the panels outside my home, by the bedroom window. I literally opened the window to stick my head outside and look to see if I could find out what was causing these noises. Very distinctly, I heard that unmistakeable sound of the crunching of snow, as if being repeatedly stepped on by someone walking no more than a few feet in front of the window. It genuinely sounded like someone or something was running just in front of me, from the left to the right then back to the left again. But surprise, surprise, there was no one there, at least visibly. There have been times when I experience sudden, unexplainable bouts of genuine terror for no reason, as well as sudden drops in the temperature. My wife and I live on the first floor, my mother lives in an apartment in the basement, and the second floor is completely vacant/empty. I have awoken in the middle of the night on three occasions now, to hear the sound of something that had a genuine weight to it (such as a sandbag or a plastic bag filled with a heavy substance such as liquid) hitting the floor of the second floor – aka my first floor’s ceiling. Then, after it hits the floor, I physically hear this “weighted object” being literally dragged across the floor/ceiling. I have also woken up because I would suddenly experience – starting while I am still asleep – that onset of genuine terror out of nowhere, only to sit up in bed, and see all of my Beagle dogs alert, aware, and growling and barking at thin air. Another experience I had once was that I was in walking into my bedroom, and I heard something that scared me almost to death – the sound of someone literally running up the damned stairs from the first floor to the second floor. I herd the weight of feet connecting with every stair. It was the same sound we used to hear when we had people who lived up there! That scared the hell out of me, but of course, no one was there when I went to investigate. And a similar experience, my wife has heard people walking around upstairs, as if pacing. The problem is, she would be the only one in the house besides my mother, who lives downstairs in the basement. The kicker of it is, my mother has only been upstairs about twice since she moved into the house five years ago – because she hates the feeling she gets up there and doesn’t like being there. After a quick phone call, my wife confirmed that it wasn’t my mother, then text messaged me (I wasn’t at home at the time) to tell me to come home with a weapon and check to see who was walking around upstairs.
I have also been in bed at night, in the complete dark – complete dark – meaning that the windows have thick curtains on them, no street lights are visible, and there are no digital displays or lights of any kind present in my room. Then, in the doorway, I will see a large figure present, just “watching” us. There are no discernable features, but when I say large, I would say this thing must be approximately 7 feet tall, maybe 300-350 lbs. I usually experience these bouts of terror at this time. Now, I’m a big guy, and by all physical accounts, both myself and the people who know me would consider me to be a pretty tough dude. I’m not really afraid of anything when it comes to physical confrontation with another person. So for me to admit that I was struck with overwhelming terror is a pretty big deal, because people don’t frighten or intimidate me – at all. They never have. But this thing absolutely terrifies me – and it knows it.
The best part of all this is that I’m not insane, because my wife has seen these things too. She calls this figure “The Watcher”, and she has woken up at night to the exact same sounds and noises that I have. We have been experiencing ‘The Watcher‘ for about four years now as the first quarter of 2011. While it’s presence is not exactly common, there have been about six or seven times in which we have collectively felt, noticed, and seen this entity.
And that isn’t the end of it. No one in the house wants to go up to the second floor, there is a feeling of absolute dread when you go up there, and we avoid it like the plague. I used to have two ‘tenants‘ who used to live up there. I put the word “tenants” in quotations/apostrophes because they were actually very close friends of the family who decided to move in with us. These two men had both claimed to also have paranormal phenomena occur to them. This wasn’t unexpected though, because one of the men, a guy who I have known since I was about nine or ten years old, is what’s considered a ‘sensitive‘, a/k/a someone who picks up on the presences of the undead or unnatural. He also occasionally deciphers some form of communications from them as well. He is not a particularly developed sensitive, meaning that he never chose to fully embrace or further evolve this sixth sense, but it is something that has been a part of him since he was born. He is also one of the men who experimented with myself on the Ouija board and automatic writing with. He was present and living with my family during a lot of dark times in my younger years, and one noteworthy experience we shared was when I actually made contact via the Ouija board and it was actually proven that I was indeed communicating with an actual spirit. All of the priests I mentioned above call this “knowledge of the unknown“, which is a definitive sign of the diabolical. I know this now, but did not know this then. I’ll go into that story a bit further down in this article.
So truth be told, he has always been aware of the sometimes dark entities which visit us. Ironically, call me lucky for knowing so many, but my wife is also one of these sensitives, though she actually did choose to develop this gift a bit more than this friend of mine. In fact, most of her family is like this, but oddly enough, only the women. Some of them have premonitions, others are card readers, and most recently, my wife’s twelve year old niece has told us that when she was younger (approximately seven or eight years old), “she used to speak to the dead people hanging around her apartment”.
Both my friend and my wife have experienced this phenomena in this house, as well as others we had previously lived in. Actually, those two men moved out of my house, and through conversation, my wife, my friend, and myself have discussed some of the activity. This friend of mine has also confirmed that he has both seen and felt ‘The Watcher‘, and on one occasion while he lived upstairs, he recalled to me an event in which he was the only one in the house at the time. He knew this because he just felt that there were no human presences around him. He was asleep in his bed, with his eyes still closed. He immediately felt that there was something directly next to him, “as if something were kneeling by the side of the bed, leaning over him.” He stated that he refused to open his eyes because the feeling he experienced was one in which every single fiber of his being knew that whatever was right next to him at that moment, was “true and genuine evil”. He claimed that what he experienced was absolutely wicked, and he did everything he could to command it to give him space, and to leave the room. While he did not feel the entity left, he did feel as if it “stood up and backed away”, and he stayed there, eyes shut, and after a short time, he quite literally passed out and fell back asleep. I have only told this story because as far as I am concerned, there have been at least four witnesses to this phenomena, just in this house alone, myself included as one.
And to very quickly shed some light on my Ouija experience, at the time I was engaging in this process, I will recall one event in particular. I used to be extremely skeptical. I wouldn’t believe anything anyone said to me unless it could be proven to me. This was also at a time when I was lightly dabbling in Satanism. Myself, my friend mentioned above, and my ex-girlfriend at the time were alone in my house. I had some left over red and black conjuring candles which we lit to “set the mood”. (It was all a big game to us, remember.). We opened up the Ouija board, and as we had done many times before, attempted to communicate with something. This time was different, because we actually succeeded. After a few moments, there was activity on the planchete, and words started to form. After a brief inquisition, we were told that we were speaking to a little girl who had passed away not too far from the house, whose name was “Annie”. I thought it was bullcrap. So, as it was my nature to do, I challenged this ‘intelligence‘. I told it that I wanted proof. At the time, I had just renewed my state ID card from the DMV, so that was the first thing that came to mind. I asked it to tell me something that no one – myself included – in the room could possibly know – I asked “Annie” to read the last three digits to me of the nine-digit ID number located on my newly obtained state ID, which was tucked away in my wallet, which was located in my back jeans pocket. I didn’t even know these numbers, and no one in the room could have either… but “Annie” did. She recited the last 3 digits flawlessly. And from that point on, I knew that I was engaged in something that was real. And this is also where I believe my experiences started, because from that point on, I experienced a significantly higher amount of paranormal phenomena, that never actually stopped or went away. This was about twelve or thirteen years ago. But I made sure never to talk to “Annie” again.
Back to the area of my house that no one wants to go to, the area we experience fear and dread in, we always feel as if we are being watched, and our sixth sense always picks up on the fact that even though we are by ourselves in a particular room up there, we are not alone. There is just a sense of hopelessness and despair in the second floor that just seems stifling and overwhelming, but truthfully, it doesn’t seem like it is our sense of hopelessness or despair, it seems like we just walked into a cloud of those emotions. When we leave that area, we are fine, none of those emotions linger. When those two men moved out, my wife and I said “Screw it!”. We haven’t been upstairs in about two years. The only times I have ever gone up there is when I am investigating what crazy noises I have heard going on around my house, and I try to get the hell out of there as fast as possible. While up there, I have, with my own two eyes, seen shadows in the basic form of a person dart around the dark rooms and shoot about, of course just barely within the range of the borders of my peripheral vision so that I could never quite get a good look at them. In truth, the two men left some personal belongings up there when they left – and if they were to come visit my house, that second floor, they would still see everything, exactly as they left it, half-filled garbage bags and all. I absolutely refuse to go up there, and so does my wife.
I have also noticed that my house entrance door likes to keep on unlocking, by itself. The same with the window locks, although they are broken anyway. This does not include the horribly vivid dreams I have been having as of late, and the impending sense of danger that I’ve been noticing I experience whenever I throw myself into the topic of demonology wholeheartedly. It’s as if “something is coming“, and I know this. It’s like a sense of anticipational dread, or of some type of ‘impending doom’. I don’t know what it is, but I know that it will be big, and I know that it will be bad. I don’t know much, but I know that something is going to happen.
Oh yeah, and one time within the past few months, in the middle of the night, I was walking from my living room into the hallway where I intended on taking a piss. I am a night owl. I sleep very, very little. In the darkness of the hallway between my living room and the bathroom, thin air growled at me, less than five inches in front of my face. And I am 6’2”-6’3”, so if anyone wants to tell me that one of my little-ass Beagle dogs jumped up six and a half feet without making a sound, only to growl in my face and then land – and apparently run away – without making any additional noises, then they can go to Hell, because it is just flat out not possible and I’m not buying it.
I also noticed that once I began to slowly back out of the ‘research’ phase at one point, and this activity literally almost stopped completely, but not surprisingly, once I picked it up again, the activity increased instantly. This is the reason that I have decided to throw myself into and delve even more deeply into the field of demonology. I have asked some of the more well known demonologists on the East Coast for help in getting into the field, but I have been blown off and/or ignored. My activity is still occurring, but I don’t want someone to come and fix it for me, I want someone to teach me how to fix it for myself. I want to experience these things, and combat them. I know exactly what I am getting in to, and what awaits me. I know what I am choosing to take on, and I know how dangerous it is. I understand that this is literally a spiritual (and often times physical) battle. I also know that as surely as the sun will rise tomorrow, I will experience more paranormal activity once that same sun goes down. I know that once I obtain this knowledge, I will be expected to – and I will personally desire to – help others experiencing these things as well. I know that it could potentially be dangerous for my loved ones as well, and that the likelihood of me bringing home a negative or demonic spirit is highly elevated, however, it would have to stand in line and meet the rest of my current spiritual entourage. I know all of these things deep in my heart. I recognize that no normal person would want to become a demonologist, but I truly feel that this is a calling, and to ignore it would be a tragedy. I have recently come back home to religion. While I may still have some issues I may doubt in my religion, I do generally believe in the fundamentals. And I have witnessed, once again with my own two eyes, what the power of reciting “St. Michael’s Prayer” or the “Hail Mary” does when used during these paranormal events as they occur to me. I have even returned to the church in a way, and am currently looking for a priest I can talk to about these things who won’t think I am a lunatic, but they are very hard to find. The next step is to go to confession again and resume the sacraments, but for now, baby steps.
Tomorrow is a new day, and I am determined. I’ll keep everyone posted as things happen, but that is basically, fundamentally why I have decided to focus on the subject of demonology, and hopefully, someone will take notice of my determination.